It seems too long, far too long since the urge struck. Here it is quarter after four in the morning my mind is whirring and I feel alive again. Half of me unlocked. The Id is in stasis. The scholar, the thinker the creatix has awoken and I am unsure for how long. I have so much work to do.

Killing time to midnight. I am told it isn´t worth going anywhere on the weekends unless it is after the witching hour and so in an effort not lose my cool and go plant in some dive I am hitting y'all with an update from the away front. Iceland is a very expennsive viking moon colony founded in 1983, or so it seems. The people are all polite, speak impeccable English and have a unique and vibrant sense of style. They also charge you 500 Kroner for a beer which is like ten bucks. I can´t find a liquor store either, poor me. The woman match their world reknowned I am wearing long shirts to cover up my affinity towards their half viking half moonslut features. The accent doesn´t hurt either. So far all I have done is explore the city and spend the day in the nicest spa in the universe. 6 Different saunas with a vareity of scents sounds and themes, a steam bath, jacuzzi, alternating heat shower pod things and an outdoor geothermal water park. I am very relaxed. More later...

Oh by the by Pat tell your Dad he has till I get back to get better I have a craving for a late morning Micky D´s run.


Greene

Been A while since I posted last. I am real bored. Calm before the storm I suppose. This week has sucked grundle. Rain is usually welcomed by me, it gives me an excuse to be melancholy and bookish. However when hundreds of dollars are at stake because of the work I am missing I am not so pleased with mother nature. A few consructive things have been done. What? Okay not much. I had a great conversation with a friend in Fornia. This may not seem like much to anyone but I thrive off of good conversation. In fact my debauched and twisted lifestyle is just the product of lack of conversation. Not that my friends are boring, okay some of them are, but the friends I have here have been my friends for a long time. So after an hour or so of catching up the conversation becomes predictable. Anyway it was a nice chat.
Last weekend however was not as boring as this week has been. Mulitple Concerts, Multiple Parties, A little bit of Karaoke and a whole lot of me being ridiculously drunk. Not so bad. In fact toss in some theater, comedy and sex it would have been the perfect weekend. Thats okay just a day away from this one, we shall see what we can come up with.
Blappalicious
Greene

One of those days. In my head. Writing and reading all day. My house does this to me. Did I miss it? A little.

Funny thing how you mind works. You try hard to overcome lifes obstacles and go forward without looking back. I am a pillar of salt outside of Gommorah. Read some old letters and I took a turn for the gloomy. Isn't that the way? On a brighter note there are quite a few good productions in town as of this weekend. I am dying to see some theater. Anyone game?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"God's lonesome, ain't He? God's hard an' lonesome!"

DESIRE UNDER THE ELMS

by Eugene O'Neill, directed by János Szász

May 14 - June 12 - Loeb Drama Center - poster - buy tickets online

Seething with lust and loathing, O'Neill's modern American classic combines the power and scope of Greek tragedy with the passionate intensity of a fever dream. When Ephraim Cabot brings his young bride home to their remote New England farm, he little foresees the turmoil that her arrival will unleash.

(This is one of my favorite plays, written by one of my favorite playwrights. I also am curious to see this directors work again. Especially doing this production. He did a very surreal version of Shakespeare Pericles a couple years ago that I enjoyed. I am wondering if he is infusing this normally sterile play with the sort of imagery he used in Pericles.)

Also
Julius Caesar

May 12-June 5
Cambridge Family YMCA Theatre
820 Massachusetts Ave.
(Central Square)
Cambridge, MA 02139
Directions to the Theatre

Directed by Robert Scanlan

Featuring Robert Walsh, Benjamin Evett, Dorian Christian Baucum, Marya Lowry, Greg Steres, Bobbie Steinbach, Jennie Israel, Owen Doyle, Bill Barclay, Gus Kelley, David Evett, Andrew Winson, Khalil Flemming, and Tony Berg

(Love the bard, Love this play. It got a great write up in The Globe and I once met the Artistic Director of this company who is playing Cassius. Should be a great night out.)


Anyone in?

Dirt is in my skin
Sweat is on my brown
Blood is in my mouth
Green is in my pocket
Arms are feeling sore
Head is feeling numb
My mind is moving fast
My legs are moving slow
Time is flying by
At A Million Years A Second

Digging my own grave
Crisping in the sun
Living like a slave
Life has just begun

I'm falling back to myself
Whoever that is

I started working again. My feelings are so mixed. I have a major case of the what if's and an even bigger case of the what will be's. At this point feelings don't matter. I'm on a road now with few turns for the next thousand miles. The only way to get off is to trudge on and occupy my head witha few distractions. Each weekend is my oasis. This one is wet for Guiness will be flowing forth.
Friday is a belated celebration for two of the greatest people to grace the planet. Blinky and Myself. Be at Sligos, Bring Beer Money and Beautiful Women. Anyone wil agree that is the only proper way to toast a birthday weekend.

Delicious

Six days and counting till the big iron bird touches down in Logan and I walk amongst my New England brethren. Things here are disappointing. No black veiled women weeping in the streets. My importance in people’s lives is dwindling by the minute. I spend a lot of time getting my shit together and getting bummed that no one cares. Well, some do and it is in shifting moments like this that you realize who your friends are and who were intimate acquaintances. For instance my buddy Adelman came out for a weekend in March after seeing me once a year before and for six months two years before that. When he arrived life went on as if we were the same intrepid lads who philosophized among the mountain pines of Vermont. There are good people in this world who stick by their friends despite, distance both geographically and otherwise. Then there are those who, for whatever reason, take what they need around them and let go of what they have taken when it runs out. I have no money or fancy things, so those people take my good nature and use it while they can and look elsewhere on the eve of my departure. I suppose I don’t mind being used but at least keep up the act until I am out of walking distance! I suppose it is providential that I am provided with this circular path home.

May 3rd 3:36 in the afternoon. See you at T.T's.

So my response to the question "When will you be home?" Has been pretty vague as of late. I have finally got a tentative time frame depending on how easy it is for me to sell the Caddy in the next couple days. However if all goes as planned I shall be arriving home a week from Monday. I will spend a day or two chilling and re-acclamating and then it's back to the salt mines. I have alot I need to get done in a week out here. Alot of farewells, alot of logistics, alot of debauchery.
Till next week Bithces!
JG

I am here, still. My new city. My new love. The place where angels reside. Where angels make films and commercials. Where angels stroll down the boulevards, shoping bags slung over shoulder, sunglasses shielding bright celestial eyes. Still here. Among the divine. Feeling this world fade. Ties are being cut. Arms are being pulled away. The entire city seems to brace itself before I dissapear. How far away will I be when the last tie snaps? Who cares? There is a levity in me as I unburden myself of the connections I have made over the last six months. I feel myself floating. Waiting for the winds of fate to blow me eastward. Curious about what I shall find there. What I shall discover in the all to familiar land of my upbringing. I fall in love far to easily. I fall out of it just as easy. How will I feel this time next year? My life is dim. I see only a few steps ahead. I love the mystery.

Jg

So for those who don't know, I am in fact returning for a summer interval. Money should be delightful to have again. You folks should be delightful. This city here has gotten under my skin. I'm totally in love with it and the little niche I carved out for myself. I look forward to returning when the cold wind of autumn begins to blow again. So that is it. I will be back before the stroke of May. Get ready for another debauched summer.

Greene

So over the past few days things have been a bit tumultuous in the life of greene. I worked like the dickens at each of my jobs and feel tragically underapreciated at both of them. Headway with my Type O Negative song is occuring in an albeit complicated manner and more importantly my father informed me that he was getting the old buisness back together and their is a profitable spot for yours truly within said buisness. If I were to except is offer I would be home by the end of the month. I have to decide in the next couple of days. It hurts to think of leaving the little life I have out here before it has fully blossomed. Nothing I can't return to when New England begins to grow cold again I suppose. I usually write more but this is hard. Much harder than the desicion to leave home. Perhaps thats an indication on how I will decide. Then again I remeber back to four years ago before I shoved off to Vermont, that summer i slaved away with my Dad working towards something and the great feeling of progress and possibility that seemed to pervade the air. I am seeking counsel with the two sirens this evening. Perhaps they may be the deciding factor because lets face it no sane man would leave a city where he has two beautiful saphic lovers.

Help
greene

So it took weeks to play out but the mystery of the sexually ambiguous karaoke broads has come to an unfavorable end. As previously described their seemed to be a wierd thing between a co-worker of mine (Drew) and her long time roomate (Sophia). This lesbianic inkling was not enough to stop me from diving headlong into the notion of rockin this girl like a hurricane. The pursuit began, headway was made and until recently I thought my progress pushed her will to the precipice of game playing and a slight touch would send her tumbling into the canyon of hot wild love making. Now the occaision was interuppted many a times to my dismay but the main enemy was her roomate Sophia who was usually indseperable from my object of desire. Good fortune pulled Sophia back to Philly for a week, leaving me without the major obstacle to hurdle. For whatever reason I had a bearing on the situation and knew I had until this roomates return to bend her to my will or the month of courting would be for naught. Alas the rambing of her other more annoying male roomate combined with her lack of late night capabilities prohibited this to occur. The return of Sophia made me alter my entire strategem. Not a problem. It was a matter of getting to know her enough to get to Drew on days and times where Sophia's school/work schedule barred her from accompanying us. A worthy plan. Or so I thought. I purchase my car Saturday morning.I take a well deserved cruise around the city of angels and as promised I stop at my work for a free cup of coffee. More importantly I was interested in letting Black Betty's pimp juice flow free. I enter a busy store and as a gentlemen should helped the three ladies working witha few odds and ends until the scen calmed down and one by one I brought them out to bask in the glory of El Derado. Drew however seemed a bit detached and out of sorts so I inguired "What's up? You seem detached and out of sorts." She replied, "I'm just very confused." Curious I retorted with, "About what?" To which replied " I realized today that I am in love with Sophia." I freeze for a few seconds and my mind seperates itself from real time and moves light years ahead of reality. I am shocked, turned on, dissapointed, dejected, curious and I told you so'd all at once. All I can muster to say is "Great." I think she was fully aware of the range of motions occuring within the soft spot behind my ribs by the look on my face becasue she responded with a "Yeah." Recovering from the bomb just dropped I put on my best actor's smile and say, "Yeah that's awesome, I bet you guys will be real happy." She says "Yeah I am real nervous I have never been with a girl before." Not having much else to say i remind of a big karaoke night that lies a week from that day and depart feeling sad but very concious of my hard on. I get behind the wheel of Black Betty and cruise up to Malibu with my roomate Trace. My spirit like the waves crashing on the land. Elation building up and crashing on the foundations of my being and receding back revealing the debris washed in from somwhere else. For the first time I am able to except rejection like a man. With a smile and a cei la vie. I wonder if its because of the joy of owning a car or because it was a woman she cose over me or if the years have tempered me to be able to take lifes bumps with a bit more grace than I did when I was fifteen, whatever it may be I am glad for it all. Many upsides have been revealed between here and there. New woman have surfaced in a matter of days. New prospects in a matter of hours, one of which is two wacked out punk rock dykes using me as a human dildo Blap! Either way case closed the girls were lesbians when i met them. I knew this, my roomates knew this unfortunatley they didn't and this lead me on a wild goose chase for forbidden pussy.

Now for new news of more import. My father is again attacking the land of water services. Meaning he will be rocking the construction world again and of course money will be rolling in. Dilemma arises. Money is to be made. Home. Do I drop what I have out here and go home for a few months rake in some serious dough and come back to the city of Angels as hungry as ever with deeper pockets. Or do I eek it out here and let the seeds I planted blossom. Another factor to mention is my father's rotten luck with hiring dependable people. I am perhaps the most relaible laborer he could have being that I sleep in his basement. i could be the key to him profiting well. Family honor. An interesting prospect. My desicion will be made soon. Do not be suprised if I choose to go either way.

Greene

This is my new car. Cadillac El Derado. Fucking Pimptasticon. Freedom is mine. The beast is released. I am driving this bitch down to Mexico next month, blap!

Weekend Blew.

Wenedsday I get the nod from my improv coach giving me the invite to join a mainstage Saturday Night Troup. All I have to do is show up and watch the show from the audience a few times to get an idea of how they operate and I am in. The rub is that I picked up a shift from my manager so he could go to a concert and have for the first time in two years three consecutive days off. So I look to pawn the shift off on somone else. Unfortunately the only three people who do anyone else favors at this place is myself, the manager I am doing this favor for and this girl emily who is also going to a concert that night. So I know Thursday Morn I am stuck working all weekend.

Friday: I get to work and fraternize with the ladies from the previous shift one of which I am rather smitten with. My co-worker arrives and I try to convince her the benefiets of doing a guy like me a favor and basically begging her to work for me. She tosses out some bullshit excuse and gets offended when I call her on it. The worker I dig ends up hanging around and brightening dark attitude of my co-worker and I. The girl I am working with is a moody bitch and gets pissy about nothing at all and if this other girl wasn't their I would have left. Later in the night my roomates come over with a bottle of Jack and I proceed to get faced on the job. I end up going home with the girl from the previous shift and was hoping to finally seal the deal withher but the roomates were knee deep in Sopranos so after a a couple bong rips the late night and the hum of the t.v. put this girl down like an elephant tranq. Blast!

Saturday- Was not a bad shift. Not too busy. Tips weren't bad. Got drunk on the job again.

Sunday was okay. Very busy but I worked weith this girl and another girl that aside from her zealous devotion of her boyfriend is quite unbelievable. Busy Day. I end up getting out late taking a shower and calling up this girl to hang. It seems all she does is watch movies. Not a bad thing but not entirely my scene. But I crack like a fucking walnut and head over despite my lack of interest in movie watching. Their is something going on between us and I was hoping the movie would provide a soundtrack and dimlighting for another production of sorts. However I was greeted by one of her roomates this time a rather a annoying but funny student guy named Dan who, like this girl and everyone of her friends I have had the pleasure to meet is sexualy ambiguous. He cracks jokes about broads and then says something wicked gay. That sort of got on my nerves especially since he continued to do this well after the movie and into the night. Meanwhile this girl is fading. And I am trying my hardest to get this kid out of the fucking room but to no avail. She starts passing out and I say my good byes.

What the fuck can you do?
It's my day off so drink all day and improv for an hour this evening and then drink all night.

This weekend was a bit of a bust.
Friday Night I was working for the man and having a pretty bad time of it. Around 10:30 I called the apartment and asked one of my roomates to come by with a bottle of Alcohol to try to spice things up. The lazy cunts stayed stationary and i was stuck hopped up on espresso with a head cold making sandwiches for rich assholes.
Saturday was supposed to be a big night. I was invited to the 21st of this guy who lives in one of the beach communities south of me. I don't know him much but I like him and his crew because they laugh at just about everything I say and do. They also are very big stoners. I guess that may explain it. Anyhow I had this Narsty head cold and try as I might I could not pre-game. I was like 8 shots in the hole before I left the house and all i felt was mucus building up in my nasal passages. We get to this bar and i start guzzling. Not really with the intention of getting drunk but more to keep people from talking to me because I felt so horrible. I start talking to this guys sister who is very very very hot and lives in Idaho. I wanted to see if her potato was loaded or just had a little smattering of butter so I kept at it when bang!!!! I am shitfaced. Some classic lines were (To A Mexican Guy Who Told Me He Was In a Band) Woah mexicans are wicked good at music, you will be alright man. (TO The Birthday Boy) Have you seen your sister naked recently? Or possibly the best hi-lite was tripping this random broad on accident while dancing with her and after she falls violently into 4 random guys spilling their drinks and the drinks on the bar behind them I point and laugh rather than apologize. As you can imagine I went home alone and ashamed but at least I have these stories, right?
Sunday I worked with this girl I am a bit smitte with. She is a good gal and we ended up hanging out that night as well. Things seem to be headed in the right direction I just need to cross my fingers and try not to get drunk around her.
By the way did I mention I have an alcohol problem?

As far as writing goes I am getting there. I have a million ideas but none of them have sent a creative flare into my soul. I wager the reason lies in the fact that most of the plots were hatched this time last year when I was less than a happy boy. Now I am living it up and have no desire to revisit the demons I left behind in the haunted snow capped hills of Northern Vermont. Perhaps when fate introduces me to tragedy I will once again have the fuel to drudge up these old schemes and the power and wisdom to transform them from dream to reality.

In the meantime I am going to enjoy myself. Continue to try to shit out my thoughts. Continue to improvise. Continue to Woo. Continue to pleasure you with my own embarrassing stories. Keep trudging on. The next few months are exciting many prospects. Adelman the philly jew I met years ago is coming out for a weekend in March. My sister is planning for April and Steve and Pete are tentative for May. June is the return of the German Girl and with luck hard work and perseverence Me for a week or two.
Till Next Time.

Oh By The By despites its homosexual undertones Berserk is an unbelievable Anime Show. Thanks Mike and Spaz.

Mike Read: Notes From The Underground by Dostoyevsky i think it is up your alley i just read it.

Vitalone does mens bums with turkey basters full of Nero's ass juice.

My improv star is rising. This week has been a great testimony to this.

Monday I rocked out my first full performance at the 99 Cents Show at the Comedy Underground here in Old Santa Monica. Good House wierd Show. Hunter S. Thompson died the night before so this clown in my troop was all wanting to do a Hunter oriented long form tribute. Good Idea? Not really this idiot hasn't even read any of his books he has just scene the albeit good Johnny Depp impersonation in Fear in Loathng in Las Vegas. What compelled my so called director to humor this misguided jack-a-nape is beyond me. So the show was a murder mystery starring this jerk off doing a moderate Thompson impression. The audience suggested Soccer Balls and Chimpanzees and we were off. The first scene set Hunter up as a detective after a mysterious phone call. In Said phone call he requires a female leaison from the mysterious caller to solve the mystery. There are two woman in the troop. Neither of them were listening so one of them entered the stage dressed up as acting as and introducing herself as a man. Lame. Then this girl and her counterpart compete with cheap jokes in front of the audience with no intention of progressing the story. Enter I an experienced improviser with a knowledge (thanks to Mark Lerman) to save a shitty scene. I clear that sucky scene and actually (here is a suprise for improv) use the audiences suggestion. I am a talking chimp who escaped from the San Diego Zoo and is now smuggling drugs from China using old Soccer Balls as a front. Not the best idea but talking monkeys got a laugh and I actually gave some cogent material to the rest of the troop to play with. My scene is cut and that is basically where I realize this kid is going to do his own show tonight. He comes back on as Hunter totally not paying any attention to the previous scen and continues his impersonation. The rest of the troup sort of cow tows to this kid because there is no other option. He is breaking all the rules denying suggestions left and right and paying very little attention to the people around him. I do the little bit I can by trying to progress the story. The audience laughs and appreciates my gesture because without my constant monkey narratives they would have no clue what the fuck was going on. The show ends and afterwards I'm rewarded by the truth. Mass praise of my performance which means little from the miscreants who attend this show. We booze and we booze hard with the audience afterwards and in not so may words the other troop members let me know that they understand who the big dog is. My control of this troop is now inevitable. Which is good despite the weak performance by the rest of the cast the last two weeks. Here is why, with work and commitment I can educate the ones that are worth educating to be good and I can weasel the ones I think are week out as well as bring in some outsiders to enhance the show. Also the space alone is worth it. I mean the locale is ideal and it is a really comfy relaxed 50 seat theater. So if anything I can build a rapport with the powers at be and get my own things going in there if this troop doesn't work out or even open or close a show with my own troop of my own making. If anything it is a free place to practice once a week and meet broads.

Wendesday was all together more positive experience. I am taking classes at the Empty Stage which is a cool little secret in West LA. The director Stan used to direct at all the big Improv Companies in LA Groundlings, Improv Olympic, Second City and is the director for a troop called the Transformers. The origianl cast of which included Conan O'Brien, John Lovitz and Lisa Kudrow. it now consist of writers for a lot of sitcoms, the simpsons and SNL. They perform there every Saturday and live a lifestyle I covet. Needless to say I learn alot at my weekly class and for once I am in a situation that I am not the Big Dog I mentioned earlier. Au Contrair I am sort of the wierd new kid that nobody knows or likes. In fact between scenes people would steal my seats between scenes and move out of the row I was sitting in to talk to their pals. The majority of people who take classes there are in troops that perform on Friday and some on Saturday. They are all really talented and are at different stages of their career. I am probably the youngest guy there. So I show up and my usual Long Form Class is not going on but instead it is the monthly Musical Improv Class. I almost went home but I turned down an extra shift at work to improv so i was going to improv. We start going and it looked like it was going to be a small intimate class of five. Within ten minutes the class swelled to twenty which sort of bummed me cause that would mean i would perform less and become more of an outsider.One of these twenty people was a member of the Transformers who I met once before in passing. Oh well the class continues. We do a couple of songs and song games or whatever and I am holding my own but not excelling very much. Mediocre stuff. Finally it is the last exercise of the Night. Musical comedy style scenes with a transition between improvised dialogue and improvised vocals. My partner was a guy from Virgina named Travis who is one of the few people that has sort of warmed up to me. The suggestion Cain and Abel and the music kicks in. We rip up some witty back and forth dialogue about brotherly strife and jealousy and decide to go medieval as opposed to taking the suggestion literally. and the chatty peers quickly quiet. The dialogue continues and I burst forth into a song about not being able to get laid by a peasant maid. He goes into a verse about how one gets laid by a peasant and on cue a girl enters with imaginary mugs of ail. She sings a verse about being a peseant the song stops and we break into dielogue with the brother coaching me on how to bed the buxom wench. Finally I lie and say i know the grand pooh bah and she falls for me. I go off about the grand pooh bah and talk about how happy I am because I am about to get laid the peasant gets offended and there is a back and forth about me using her and then the moment this long winded story was written for The Transformer is so compelled he enters the scene as the gran Pooh Bah and we rock out with him until eventually all of these doubting Thomas's get on stage and the entire class breaks into a Moulan Rouge style kick line chorus around I and the Pooh Bah ending the song. It was bar none the best thing done in class that day and it included an important person as well. Then after the compliments started flowing and I feel that I one of over my critics and that after one or two more rehearsals of that caliber I will be invited to join a mainstage troup and will be able to sort of vault my career.

Goulet!

Valentines day was not a disaster this year. Unlike last years Trojan Horse. This year was pretty straight forward. I woke up still searching for answers concerning the Karaoke night and came up with nothing. So I promptly cracked open a beer and decided nothing bad can come of getting toasted early on in the day and passing out early on this accursed day. The worst scenario is that I pass out in shrubbery which despite dirtying your clothes has no serious repercussions. After the first beer I get a call from a good friend of mine who has been out here doing the acting thing for a few years and has done so with mild but rising success. He say's he is in the area and he wants to grab a beer and tell me about the greatest moment of his acting career, and it happened twenty minutes ago. We meet up at Sonny's the local Boston Bar and start downing Sammy A's. He then drops the bomb that he had an audition for a new t.v. show written by David Mamet. (Famous Modern American Playwright and Critic, Writer of Glengarry Glen Ross, American Buffalo, State and Main, Heist, Edmund ect...) That in and of itself is really fucking awesome. Scoring a regular role on a television show basically makes you a working actor for life. Even if not at the level of the superstars the notoriety of television will keep you on stage and in commercials for ever. So three cheers for him we guzzle more then he says that isn't it. Mamet was in the audition. Now this is meeting a piece of History. Like his work or not it is very important, It is like meeting Shaw or O'Neil or Miller. This is a big deal. On top of that he got some great feedback from him and the casting directors have put him in shows before as guests. So basically my friends career may be taking off right in front of my face. Beer worthy. We booze and play a few rounds of Golden Tee till he has to scamper off to his old lady. Well I felt good by association so I went home and started downing more brews. My Improv show was in a few hours but I would have only a smidge of stage time because I just joined up and they want me to get the vibe of the ensemble or whatever. So I get to rehearsal half in the bag, prove I am the bomb diggity dock even when not in my full capacity. They do the show and I must say ensemble vibe or not I should have been in it cause it blew. I started drinking again during the show to numb the pain of watching my new troup flounder. That's the thing with Improv it is there sometimes and it isn't others. That night it wasn't. So we head back to this girls house and chill by a campfire and booze till the wee hours. I am distracted by a few serious cockteases, two of which were sisters like a year apart and man oh man was I a dirty boy in my thoughts. But they effectively were cockblocking each other to the chagrin of every man at the party. Three rolls around I realize my life isn't totally shitty and this Valentines Day, although no sex was involved, far surpasses the heart crushing souless nonsense of the last one and hopefully next one will be even better.

What's this? You're asking. Mr. Greene makes a journal post within a week of his last. What kind of great event has occured between here and there to warrant a cybernetic paragraph explanation? Well comrades there is none. I'm wallowing in the past and wasting away time until I caffeinate myself and act funny for an audience for an hour. It seems alot of my life is spent killing time before the next dissapointment. I have come across two very conflicted views of life and can understand them both but am unable to commit to either and this may be the cause of my hampered existance. Some say, here in our modern society that if you dream big and and work hard you wiklll recieve your just reward. Some real Horatio Alger shit dropped on the impoverished immigrants who now run things in this country. Further back in the world of the Grimms, Mother Goose and Walt Disney, hard work was not even a prerequisite. Virtue and charm was the only two things needed to succeed. To attian ones dreams. The golden goose, the princess, the dragons treasure, the house, the SUV, summer home and sportscar. I buy it. I see people who have worked hard and have oodles of stuff to show for it. I also see people who bust there ass and are scraping buy barely putting food on the table there dream a mere glimmer in there weary eye. Then there is Sidhartha there is Lenin and Marx and there is Herman Hesse and the Dahli Lamma and Jesus who teach us that desire is our only devil. The meek shall inherit the earth. Eliminate the want and need of the bougoise and live a clean fufilled life. When one wants nothing one is never dissapointed and when you do nothing there is no regret and no guilt and no fear and aren't those the things that make us ugly. Aren't those the feelings that cause us to do and say things that perpetuate those said emotions. Aren't those the moments when you give into them the one you remember with disdain and self hate. Yet to sit is to grow stagnant it is a personal affront to the law of kinetics. We are on a non stop course towards our own demise. Why sit and wait and try to pretend? Why not accumulate the things that make us happy and litter the world and ourselves with the ugly things we need to do to gain them? Is there a balance between these two schools of thought or are they conflicting? I heard a girl say the other day that she could lead a happy life as long as she was doing improv. Even if she had to hold another job or two, it wouldn't matter as lon as that kind of theater were available to her. I found that to be very beautiful and I nodded and smiled. Perhaps the reason I found that so pretty was because I can't possess that sentiment. Or that I wish I could. I don't know. The world is a confusing place and the human spirit is as infinitely confusing.

Here I am burnt out, hung over and bloated 55 minutes into the holiday of love. Why is this any different than any other day, you might querie? Frankly I don't know. My liver is always abused, my stomache distended my eyes glazed with boredom induced dew and by my side is an empty space. Yet on this day of days the world trumpets out its orders and like a good little lamb I try to run with the herd. Run to the nearest Walgreens and by sackful of paltry nothings to hurl at some blushing tart before she does her self up in new clothes and makeup and we burn gas all the way to the overpriced faux gourmet we will swill down smiling before turning home and cracking open an expensive bottle of grapes and sipping on something are untrained pallate can't really quite apreciate. Then light headed and awkward jump into a fluffy bed that has been waitiing all day to be bounced upon. It is there ultimately the herbal supplements take effect and the night of uncaring adrenaline fueled pornstar jackhammering liquifies each others senses and when the new day dawns and it's buisness as usual a gooey little piece of that special person you shared that special night with is lodged soemwhere in your temporal lobe. I try to play this part because I am a comedienne, I am a clown and like on all holidays I am eager to play a role in this modern festival. To my chagrin I have just realized that I have role, the world has cast me in a part. Like most of my characters I play it well. I'll smile and make jokes and mock and dance about and write clever little rants and the rest of the flock will cackle at my astute observations from the outside and they will think of me for a moment, when they hold there loved ones tight and smirk at their well deserved luck. At 12:55 tomorrow Valentines will be over and the flock will carry their festivities in private for a few more hours and I will be there or rather here in my head in a sea of nothing trying to figure out the next obstacle that will pop up in this never ending hum of life.

On a brighter note their exist here in LA Karaoke booths like the ones portrayed in Lost In Translation. I must say they are a blast and incentive for any of you me old chums to cross the continent for some West Coast adventure. There was more to this trip but in all honesty I am still trying to decipher the scenario myself. I'll try to record it here if and when I do.
Sometime Today I encourage you to listne to Pink Triangle on Weezer's Pinkerton and laugh at my expense.

John